Friday, August 2, 2013

The More I Seek You, the More I Find You...& Me

This post was actually intermingled with the previous one about Comet, but it was just a jumbled up mess, so I've tried to separate the two. (It's still a mess of emotion, way too many thoughts, & a brain that needs to go to sleep. But I felt passionately about it last night, so I will share.) 
Comet's death was kind of a catalyst to a lot of thinking & reflecting (well, more than usual). 

I snuck off alone late last night so that I could just take a second to let myself think about & deal with what happened. (& do the "ugly cry" that I had been keeping at bay) I lay in bed last night just thinking & for some reason, was overwhelmed by a feeling of homesickness. But it wasn't a homesick that's curable by going to my parents' house, it was more like a homesick for my childhood. It's as if Comet was one last bit of what resembled my childhood & now that's gone.

Some of you may be reading this & thinking I've lost it, or that he's just a dog, but it's about so much more than Comet.

There are so very many changes happening in my life right now & it's like Comet's death stopped me in my tracks & made me slow down to think, process, & deal with emotions I've swallowed & pushed down for a while now.

As I took time to think about all that happened that day, I remembered some of my actions & reactions & I thought, "Why in the world am I the way I am?!" I've been pushing myself to seek the Lord more intimately than ever this year. Each day I pray specifically for the Lord to reveal Himself to me in a new way. You know what? If you seek Him, you WILL find Him! (Jer. 29:13) It's true!! I've always found that to be true, but recently I've also found that when I seek to know the Lord more, I end up learning about myself more.

You would think that after 30 years, I would know myself! :)

Well, here are some things I've learned about myself lately:

1-I'm much more introverted than I thought. It's surprising b/c I'm pretty outgoing, not shy, love people, love spending time w/ people, but I've come to learn how very important it is for my well-being to make time for me to be alone & in quiet & with the Lord. I get so energized & healed by that time. 
(Last night was an example of me not taking time alone & really needing it. I took a couple of hours after bed time to kind of "fall apart" & allow the Lord to heal me & apply His balm.)

2-I'm super emotional. I have more emotion than I know what to do I'm so awkward. The basic gist of this is old news. I can tear up, or cry at the drop of a hat-especially when it comes to worshiping the Lord (cry every Sunday!). That's the normal part of my emotional-ness.

3-I'm basically a "loner" when It comest to showing emotion. I'm pretty much just emotional to myself. Outside of certain settings (prayer groups, closest friends, or family) I'm not gonna share my emotions. I'm not a touchy-feely, "lets talk about our feelings" kinda girl!

4-Another facet of my emotions is that I push them to the back of my mind, or bottle them up, until I'm ready to deal, or I burst b/c there's no more room for the emotion. (Again, kinda what happened last night.)

5-The craziest thing about my emotions is that they sometimes show up in the wrong form. I get mad sometimes when I'm actually sad. But mostly, I laugh at inappropriate times. I laugh when I'm nervous, or upset, or when I just have too much emotion running around inside. Mighty fine trait for a Pastor's Wife don'tchyathink?! I'm tellin ya, the Lord uses me IN SPITE OF ME! (Yesterday when Mom called me crying, she told me "Ca" wasn't doing well. I just told her I didn't want to talk about it. I was pulling up to her house at that point & was preparing myself to go in & face my sad family & I just start giggling & have to wait & make myself stop & chill out before going inside.)

These are just a few things about me that have been revealed to me recently.

As for knowing the Lord more...He shows me VAST amounts everyday. Seriously, I can give very specific evidence probably everyday of how He shows me His might, power, will, grace, goodness, gentleness, sweetness, love. I look forward to sharing lots of them with you!

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